What I Really Meant To Say
by j.m.hxc. xo420
Summary: What I really meant to say, is I'm sorry for the way I am. I never meant to be so cold. Never meant to be so cold. You are the antedote that gets me by. Like a drug that makes me high.... R


Inspired by Crossfade's song, _Cold_.

Hope it is good.

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Disclaimer:

I don't own Newsies. Okay? Happy? Gosh.

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_**Hello.**_

_**I bet you think I'm a major wuss for only writing you a letter. **_

_**Well, think what you want. I can't talk to you in person. You are mad at me and won't even look at me.**_

_**Why am I writing this? Because I miss you. **_

_**I'm so hurt and confused I don't even know where to start. And this stupid cutting isn't helping either. Y'know how they say it relieves the pain? It's only temporary, seriously. The deeper you cut, the more it hurts. Somehow, when your doing it, you don't even notice. You just revel in the pain, thinking it is diminishing. But it isn't. It is only intensifying.**_

_**I tried heroine. It did absolutely nothing for this pain. All it did was confuse me and play tricks on my mind.**_

_**I've tried alcholol. All that shit did was make me do stupid crap. **_

_**I tried to overdose on pills. God knows that didn't work. What that did was land me in the hospital.**_

_**God, we were the perfect couple, you know that? Then we had to ruin it all. Stupid lies interfered with everything. I don't even know why I got mad. Cuz the thought of losing you to another guy scared me? Probably. I was so heartless and cold I didn't even listen to you. All I heard was what Jack Kelly and all those other backstabbers told me.**_

**_The next day I see you with some other guy. Do you wanna know how much that _hurt?_ I can't even put it in words. It was just fucked up. Now if I had said what I meant to say, this was how it all would have gone..._**

_You: I found out something last night._

_Me: Really, what?_

_You: That you are cutting._

_Me: Never._

_You: Really? Want me to go get the other guys in here?_

_Me: Alright! Maybe a few times but..._

_You: WHY!_

_Me: It is a pain reliever._

_You: You could die from that, Skittery!_

_Me: I can't die. You're the air that I breathe. _

_You: Really? Prove it!_

_**Yet no. It happened more like this:**_

_You: Skittery, the other boys told me that you have a problem._

_Me: No shit. And so do you. Sleeping around, are we?_

_You: What the fuck are you talking about!_

_Me: About you dating all of these guys behind my back!_

_You: I'd never..._

_Me: Really? You did!_

_You: I'd never do anything like that to you, Skittery. I love you._

_Me: Bullshit._

_You: You wanna know bullshit? Our relationship! It doesn't matter to you does it! And, what about you, huh? What have you been doing?_

_Me: Do you really want to know what I do to myself?_

_You: I asked, didn't I?_

_Me: Cutting my wrists. Doing drugs. Drinking. _

_You: ((very angry)) Cutting your wrists! Doing drugs! Drinking! What are you thinking!_

_Me: No... you don't understand..._

_You: ((finally losing it)) SKITTERY! YOU ARE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? TO DIE!_

_Me: ((finally getting angry)) Hell yah! I want to get away from you and this world. _

_You: Fine. You want to break up? Fine. We're through!_

_**Then you left. Never letting me explain. The drugs? You're my high. The cutting? The only cutting is what you are doing to my heart. The drinking? If you count me drinking in your soul, then I drink every day. **_

_**Yet, you never let me explain. Any more than I let you explain at least. I bet everything was lies. Just like everything they told you was lies.**_

_**Now it isn't. Now it is true. Wanna know why? Cuz I tried them just to spite you. I wanted to make you mad. I wanted to deserve the fury that was coming at me at the speed of light. I wanted you to hate me. Because then I hated you.**_

_**But... now... it is so different. I never meant to be so cold. You want to know what I really meant to say to you? I'm sorry for the I am. What I do, what I say, whatever it is that gets you mad. Because I never wanted to lose you. You're my drug. My knife. My drink. My antedote. My love. My life. My everything.**_

_**I don't think you understand. Without you, I am my worst enemy. I can't trust myself. I don't know what I will do to me. I need you to stop me from this. From me. I need you.**_

_**Do you understand that? I NEED YOU!**_

_**Please forgive me. I love you. And I can't bear this anymore.**_

_**Love Sincerely,**_

_**Skittery**_

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Meep! That is the end.Whaddya think?

Please review. And tell me, did it seem slash? I wanna know what everyone thinks!

Hit that blue button and tell me. If you don't... ((thinks)) Sorry. I have no good threats. BUT REVIEW NONTHELESS!

--Truth like a blazing fire. An eternal flame.--

--GiNnY--


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